About 2 months ago, Dave and I had a serious discussion about kids. We both agreed at this point in time we're very happy with the lifestyle we lead. No sleepless nights, no poopy diapers, no babysitters, no toddlers throwing fits, no drooling babies, NO responsibility. We both agreed that at this point in time none of the above is remotely appealing to either one of us and quite frankly might NEVER be appealing to either of us. I love dreaming up baby names but honestly I love my career and I don't think I'd ever be willing to give up my career to raise a child. Not to mention I'm not looking forward to wrecking havoc on my body with pregnancy, I wouldn't enjoy not having time to read my books or visit the gym, and I most certainly wouldn't enjoy dealing with a toddler and their unreasonable minds. I'm just not the type of girl who has ever gotten the deep desire to become impregnated and birth little spawns. Maybe someday I will?
And it's that 'maybe someday I will' thought that has been invading my mind lately. Maybe someday my eyes will mist at the thought of seeing my belly swell. Maybe someday I'll want to hold a slimy, bloody baby in my arms. Maybe someday I'll blog about my kid and it's bowel movements and be the happiest mom to ever blog. Who knows?
What I do know is that the idea that someday I might want to have a baby and Dave might not has me questioning everything. As I told Dave the other day, I can't imagine myself ever wanting a kid but I also can't imagine myself ever not having kids. Should Dave and I even be talking about marriage if this might be an issue someday? A very BIG issue.
I feel like I'm in between a rock and a hard spot. Do I want Dave? Or do I want a family? I can't imagine my life without Dave. I've been in other long term relationships and I've never found anyone who has made me fall so completely head over heels. Someone who makes me so happy. On the flip side, I can't imagine myself 90 with no kids, no grandkids, no one to take care of me. No one to watch me die. I can't imagine never knowing what it feels like to be nine months pregnant. Not ever knowing what it feels like to give birth. Not ever knowing what it feels like to love something that came from me.
*sigh* What to do? What to do? I'm turning off comments for this post because I really don't feel like hearing everyone tell me that I'm going to want to become a mom someday cuz maybe I wont. And I don't want to hear everyone tell me that Dave and I need to decide on kids before we get married cuz we have tried to decide and we can't. We can't foresee the future and we can't plan for a future that either one of us is not sure we even want. We'll have to cross that bridge when we get there and I must admit that this situation makes me not as excited to get married or get anywhere near that bridge. For now, I'm feeling sad that this is something I feel so confused about and that this will be an issue in the future. Honesty, I'm also a little bit bitter that Dave isn't super excited to see our babies pop out of me someday. Most of my friends have had to beat their boyfriends/husbands off with sticks cuz their husbands are so excited to start baby-making and my friends are the ones that needed just a bit more time before they were ready. Why isn't Dave as excited as them??? Is it me? *sigh*
