Ignorance is Bliss

Throughout the past few years, on and off, I've tried to cyber stalk my exes. No real reason other then a general nosiness and desire to know what has happened to them over the years. I'm not in contact with ANY of my exes (which I think says something about me and the way I break up with boys). For me this sucks since I really would like to know how they are doing and what has become of them. I've tried using google, myspace, and facebook to search for my various exes (some more then others) yet have been unable to find a single ex. Wait, take that back, I have found one but I really don't care to know what he is up too and then one other I refuse to look up because he is pure evil. But that leaves like 20 other exes (I dated A LOT in college) and the fact that I can't find them on-line frustrates me to no end. So many stories left unfinished. I was a science major in college so I know that I have the ability to conduct a search effectively. I think that the guys I date just aren't on-line or have names that are way too common to easily google.

That is until tonight.

I found the Matt that I talked about briefly here. I realize now that maybe ignorance is bliss. I know that he and I would have never worked out. He was a really great guy but he was a pilot in the air force and I am a big weenie that would have never been able to deal with a boyfriend in the military who was putting his life at risk on a regular basis. Matt is getting married and while this doesn't bother me (he really was an A+++ type guy) what I read in the news article I found does. We dated in November/December 2001. He met his fiancee in Summer 2002 which means that while my heart was being broken (not by him) and I was spending the darkest most depressing summer alone, he was falling in love with his future wife. The darkest part of my life was his happiest. The juxtaposition strikes me much closer to the core then it really should (esp 6 years later).

edited: I originally posted the text of the article but then I realized that Matt or his fiancee could easily google their own names and find my blog. Ummm ... maybe not a good idea. Too bad because the article really was sickeningly sweet and gave a great idea of the type of guy Matt is. Stupid google.

Z

I've been thinking of Z a lot this past week. Most of it has been the woulda, coulda, shoulda type thinking even though I don't think that Z was the love of my life nor do I think that we should or would be together today if we had hooked up all those years ago. I do think that Z and I would have become boyfriend/girlfriend and been happy together for several months. When a guy decides to commit to me, he often stays with me until I break up with him. I'm a good girlfriend, I'm loving, I like sex, I like to drink, I don't become a drama queen when I do drink, I'm clean, I'm funny, and I'm laid back. And while I did have fun in college, I would have relished the real love Z could have given me that the other college boys did not. I have I have no doubt that Z and I would have stayed together for most of my senior year of college.

Bringing me out of this funk, if funk is what you call it, is knowing that if I had dated Z then I would not have met and fallen for Monty. And even through all the pain and misery that Monty and I endured, there is nothing that I would have given up in return for those days with Monty. My love for him defied explanation or reasoning. If there is one man that I can say is my soul mate then it is Monty even though my life would have been hell had I not walked away from him. I realize that I've never written about Monty and one day I intend to. It's just such a long and convoluted story and it is difficult to find the beginning and the end.

In my eyes everything happens for a reason. Regardless of what did not happen with Z if I had not fallen head over heals for Monty, I would not have fallen into black times, Jay would not have picked me up and set my world somewhat right again, and after breaking up with Jay I would have never met Dave. For that I am forever thankful.

Perfect music video for my frame of mind. Sometimes the movie script ending isn't always the happy ending.