Syran Wrap Dreams

Last night I had a bad dream in which I cheated on Dave with my high school bf, Chris Luis. During one part of the dream I asked Chris to use a condom and instead he wrapped himself in syran wrap. Haha! In my dream I was very upset that I was going to have sex with someone other then Dave yet I felt a weird obligation to go forth with my deceit.

I think this feeling of guilt over cheating came from last night's dinner experience. I went to a sushi restaurant located in the hotel to dine alone. A man who was also dining alone kept asking me questions about the book I brought to read (Wuthering Heights). He was flirting with me and I was being nice back to him (but not flirting back!) The experience made me realize how easy it is to feel alone when traveling and to enjoy the attention of someone who is flirting with you. If I didn't love and adore Dave so damn much then I might have been tempted to flirt back and let things get out of control. Scary!

The Secret Sisterhood

Lately, I notice wedding rings all the time. I cant help myself. My eyes are drawn to the left hand of every woman I see. I stare at their diamonds with a sense of longing. I feel so left out like they are some secret sisterhood that I am not a member of yet. It leaves me wondering when my diamond ring will come and will it come from Dave?

Independence

I spent yesterday alone. I drove to Reno alone, entertained myself in the evening alone, explored the casino alone, and ate alone. And it...was...nice!

I think that its helped me realize that the one thing I need to make me happy is myself. I don't need Dave to move out with me to be happy. In fact, I've decided that if Dave doesn't ask me to move out with him by my bday (2 months after our original discussion) then I'm going to make arrangements to move out with someone else. And I'm ok with that. I'd much rather move out with Dave but if hes not ready then hes not ready and there is nothing I can do about that. Im going to move on with my life and stop waiting for him.

I've also decided that if Dave and I break up then I'm going to move to another state and make my career my priority. I don't need a man to complete my life and I don't need to stay in California. In fact, the idea that one day I'd be able to travel the Nation and create a resume that would prepare me to be a State Con, excites me!

Skin & Bones

Dave called and left me the cutest voice mail message. He said that he was on the brink of death due to starvation. ;-) Usually I cook dinner for him most nights but since I'm away at my conference, he has to feed himself. He always tells me that he appreciates it when I cook for him but its nice to know that he MISSES my cooking.

During my time away from home, Dave has really been letting me know that he misses me. He has called me every chance he gets, told me he loves and misses me, and kept me on the phone much longer than usual (last night he wanted to talk from 7 to 10pm.) I think it's cute and I love being reassured that he cares for me just as much as I care for him. And its really nice to know that we are creating a life TOGETHER. Now the boy just needs to ask me to move in with him and life would be perfect!!

Hip Hop Lil' Easter Bunny

Yesterday, Dave and I celebrated Easter at his parent's brunch. I had a really good time. I had already met everyone who was there at Christmas so I was a bit more at ease. Everyone LOVED my cute easter egg cupcakes ;-) For part of the time I helped Matthew hand paint an easter cookie. He is so adorable. Every other minute he would ask if he could eat his cookie yet. Too cute. Highlight of the day was when I got to hold baby Ryan while his parent's ate. Even cuter was when I gave Ryan to Dave so that I could use the restroom. I just LOVE seeing big & tall Dave hold the tiny baby. ;-D

Today, I opted out of traveling to Fresno to see my Mom or my Dad. I would like to see them but since I'll be driving to Reno on Monday I thought it would be just too much driving. And, I still need to pack and I wanted a semi-restful day before starting another work week. Plus, I always hate how I'm forced to choose my holidays between my parents now. If I had gone down and just seen my Mom then I would have felt bad for my Dad and vice versa. The only thing I regret is that this would have been the perfect opp for Dave to meet my Mom and Grandparents. Oh well. I'm sure they'll be many more times for Dave to meet them. And I'll be in Fresno for work in just a few weeks so I know that will make my parent's happy.

Note to Self: I was looking at the Easter pics and I feel FAT! Super Nasty Fat. Immediate diet is necessary. NO MORE cheat days!!! I will be good and I will drop 15 pounds!!!!

I Cried, He Held Me

Friday night, I went home and made these super cute easter egg shaped cupcakes for Dave's family's Saturday brunch. Seriously, they turned out SOOO incredibly adorable. Go me for being super creative and crafty.

After I made the cupcakes, I jumped in the shower and got ready to meet Dave and some of his coworkers at our favorite local sports bar for some after work drinks. It was a good time. One of Dave's good friends (Chris) kept buying Dave beer. Everyone chatted, danced and drank. It was a nice way to end a hectic work week. Dave and I get home and Dave tells me that he's trashed. The poor boy endeed up yaking in a trash can for about an hour before passing out on my bed. I was kinda surprised cuz this was the 1st time that Dave has ever thrown up in front of me and the 2nd time that I've ever seen him drunk. He's such a cute drunk. He doesn't get loud or sloppy. Instead he just gets this cute red eyed sleepy look and he smiles alot. Hehe ;-D

While Dave was passed out, I decided to stay awake and bake a lamb shaped cake. I wanted to make the cake for the next day's brunch and I wanted to stay awake to make sure Dave was ok. Scott called and tells me that he's bringing people over, fyi. I told him to please change his plans cuz Dave was sick and I wasn't in the mood to be kept up all night. Scott tells me that he's not changing his plans, it Friday night and people are coming over. I'm a bit upset by this cuz I'm ALWAYS considerate of Scott and if Courtney's over I make sure not to be loud on a Saturday night if they are sleeping. Plus it's just a huge accumulation of Scott constantly being so selfish and inconsiderate and I am SOO fed up with it. I want to move out but I want it to be with Dave so I'm trying to be patient and it's getting hard. So Scott and I yell at each other back and forth about the whole deal. Nothing gets resolved, Scott is stubborn and goes through with his plans.

The yelling woke Dave up, and he understands where I'm coming from so he holds me close and tells me everything will be ok. I immediately start sobbing. I'm just so frustrated with my living situation and I'm frustrated that Dave isn't ready for us to live together yet. But it was wonderful to have Dave hold me and stroke my hair while I cried. He held me and told me that someday we'll live together and I wont have to deal with this. It's nice to know that someday will happen cuz when that day happens I will be so incredibly happy. For now, I'm looking forward to the fact that I'll be out of town on business for 3 weeks in April. Next week I'll be gone to Reno for a conference. 2 weeks after that I'll be in Fresno for a meeting. And then the week after that I'll be in Davis for a training at my State Office. WOOO for not having to deal with these jerks for 3 weeks!!!!

Growing Up

Last night the boys came home at 2am from playing a show at a local club. Errrr!! Could they have at least used their inside voices??? I was awoken by Liz nagging at Steve, Scott retelling every little nuance that occured during the show, and Steve playing the electric guitar with the amp on!! At 2am!!!! Once again it made me realize that I'm over the whole roommate living situation. And more importantly, I'm over the whole partying situation. Don't get me wrong, I still enjoy having a drink or two with friends or going out to a local pool hall on a weekend night. But the overwhelming desire that I used to have to go out and get drunk as much as possible is just not there for me anymore. At my age (25 in one month! Eeek!!) I'm just as happy staying home by myself on a Friday night, drinking water, organizing my photo album, and watching Sex and the City.

What a difference a few years makes. When I first moved here at 23 I MISSED my college days. I missed going out with the sorority sisters and getting drunk every night. I missed drinking too much and being the sober driver. I missed party hopping and flirting with fraternity boys. I missed participating in sorority events as an active sister. I missed waking up in the morning and calling my friends for an emergency review of what happened the night before while eating McDonalds for breakfast.

I don't miss that anymore.

Things I miss now are getting a good night's sleep. Waking up with Dave in my arms. Having a clean house. Having money to go on nice vacations. Finding time to go on a really long run around my neighborhood. Saving money to buy a house someday. These are the things that make me happiest now.

I'm even thinking of selling my hot girl silver convertible camaro and buying something much more economical like a Ford Focus. I've come to the realization that I don't need some cool car to be seen in. I just need a vehicle to drive me from point a to point b. So what if Britney and Jayme make fun of me!!!! Someday they'll come to the realization that driving a nice car is not the most important thing in life. Plus, I'll be saving more than $300 each month in car payments, insurance and gas! Do you know how many things at Pottery Barn I could buy with that extra money??? I'd finally have a nicely decorated house!! WOOOO!!!! EEEEE!!!!

Yep, Growing up and it feels good ;-D

Wacky Dreams

Last night I had some crazy dreams

In one, I was best friends with Paris Hilton. A group of us took a field trip in an old school bus to some outdoor hiking spot. Paris and the group of girls I was with kept being super loud and obnoxious. I was trying to fit in so I wasn't saying anything to them about being quiet.

In another, Dave and I were still dating but my ex (Jay) and I took an overnight vacation to some decrepit old hotel. We slept in the same bed but didn't do anything naughty. I remember feeling guilty that I had stayed in the same room as Jay.

In the wackiest dream, Dave and I had a baby! But the baby looked more like a black lab dog then a human. I was so concerned but everyone kept telling me that the baby had some human characteristics and that I shouldn't worry about it. The next thing I know the baby takes the form of a snake. The baby and I are with Dave who is asleep in bed surrounded my sunflower seeds (his favorite snack). The baby is only 6 weeks old but starts to eat the sunflower seeds enthusiastically. I try to get the baby (still in the form of a snake) to stop but it loves the seeds and wont stop. I'm super concerned that a 6 week old baby shouldn't be eating solid food yet! I try to wake Dave up to help me but he's fast asleep.

In other news, Dave came over last night after the gym and he usually never comes over on Wednesday nights. Hmmmm .... Does that mean something?

Bad Dream Gone

Last night I had a bad dream. I'm not even sure what happened in the dream. All I remember is that I was scared, it was dark, and I was trying to wake myself up out of the dream so that it would stop. Then I feel Dave's big arms come up from behind me, wrap around my waist, pull me closer to him and then his big body spooning me. I woke up and knew that I wouldn't have to worry about the bad dream coming back. The man I love and adore was spooning me. No better feeling in the world.

It's Me Not You

Errrr ... Ever have those days when you just want to kick all your coworkers in their shins cuz they are annoying you so damn much. I've been been having lots of those days lately.

I've come to the realization that getting constantly frustrated and angered by them (and showing my frustration and anger) is doing no one any good. To give myself any peace of mind and to lower my blood pressure, maybe I need to step back and realize that the only person I can change or control is ME. I need to maintain MY composure when they are being difficult. I need to get creative and find ways to professionaly deal with MY desire to put them all in the broom closet and lock the door. I know it wont be easy but at this point it's the only course of action that I have left.

I think I might be growing up.

I Like You

Dave told me that the other night when we were in bed (I was sleeping and he was wide awake with a mild case of Sunday night insomnia) that I rolled over, looked at him and told him that I liked him and then promptly went back to sleep. He said that I've done this on other occasions too. haha! I've been known for my sleep talking. I wonder if I've ever told Dave that I liked him when we've both been asleep? Maybe I do this every night and don't even know it!

I'm just super thankful that I really do like the boy and at least I'm not rolling over and telling him that I like Enrique Iglesias! ;-D

Insecurity

South Lake Tahoe was sooo wonderful. I wish I could go back. Everything about the trip was so perfect. Not a thing I would change (except when there was the 2 hour wait at Fire & Ice and I got pissy). Poor Dave. He's such a sweetheart.

I finally brought up the living situation topic last night when I was talking on the phone with Dave since he never brought it up on our vacation. He says that he is "warming up to the idea". Half of me is happy about that and the other half of me is bewildered and pissed. Lets just move in together already!!! Oye Vey.

I'm also a lil pissy that Tim's bday is coming up and it makes me wonder if last year Dave brought The Linebacker with him to Tim's fondue party??? Why am I so jealous of her? Errrr ... Just the thought of her being there last year makes me so mad. I think I just want to be Dave's special one. The special girlfriend that his family loves and treats better then any others before. The special girlfriend that gets invited to all the family functions. The special girlfriend that is The One.

Dave and I talked about marriage on Saturday night. He tells me that "there is no reason why he sees that we wouldn't get married in the future". Ummm ... Can't he be more romantic about it??? I want to hear him tell me that I'm The One and that he wants nothing more then for me to be his wife someday.

I feel so insecure.

Yum ;-9

I made Chicken Parmesan last night. So yummy and so easy. Not as healthy as I normally cook but it was so good and def worth the bit of extra calories. I served it with angel hair pasta and a nice pasta sauce. Give it a try!

PS I think the only thing better then middle of the week sex and drunk sex is before work in the morning sex. I'm a happy girl ;-D

The Good and the Bad

Is it sad that I make over $55,000 a year and I can't afford to rent my own 1 bedroom apartment here in the bay area?? Is it sad that my bf makes more then I do and that our combined income is well over $100K and we could barely afford to RENT a 2 bedroom apartment???

Oye Vey.

In more depressing news, Dave still hasn't gotten back to me on the whole living together issue. I've been very patient for the past 2 weeks but now I'm starting to get antsy!!! I want to know, dammit! Even though he's taken longer (than I prefer) to answer back, I'm still optimistic. So much of our daily chit chat has been about US and OUR future together. That's got to be a good sign. Right? I'm really hoping that he brings the subject up this weekend on our mini-vacation to South Lake Tahoe. I know that I'll be gambling and drinking most of the time so I'm really gonna have a hard time keeping my non-sober lil yapper shut about the subject.

In better news: happiness is overhearing Dave at the gym talking to his buddies and bragging about me. Awww ;-D

And even better news: I got the 2nd season of Sex and the City in the mail from Netflix today. WOOOO!! I swear that show is like crack cocain. I watch an entire DVD and all I'm left with is the wanting for more, more, more. Must have more!

Moments of Happiness

Do you ever have those moments that you keep reliving in your head? Those moments that you would give your left nut (if you have nuts) to go back to and experience again. I love those moments.

Walking through the model homes with Dave was just so much fun. It was just so much fun to be a real 'we' for a brief moment. I loved that 'we'. It gave me so much hope that someday that 'we' will make it.

Moving Forward

So I wont be needing to do any working out today due to the fact that Dave and I just spent the past 3 hours looking at model homes for fun. (Ok. Does this mean anything???? I think it might. Especially since we went through all 24 homes and talked openly how it would work for US if this was was OUR home and we made over $250,000 a year necessary to own a home in the bay area.) So the work out part came with the fact that almost every home in the bay area is built on some type of incline. That means that almost every condo/townhouse (we didn't look at houses) had at least 2 flights of stairs and some even had 6-7 flights of stairs. I am pooped but at least my calves are gonna look great ;-)

We did see some super cute townhomes and the great part was that we pretty much agreed on what features we loved and which ones we didn't. The cheapest cost $500,000 for a one bedroom. I really need to move someplace cheaper!

Dave also met my Dad today. It was Dave's first time meeting ANYone in my family. It's a big deal for me but there's nothing much to report. Good time. Nice to see my Dad. Good lunch.

In other news, Jay finally called me back. YAY!!! I really want some type of amicable relationship with him. We don't have to be best friends but I would rather not act like we hate each other. Plus I really am excited for his trip to Japan and his upcoming marathon and I want him to know that I'm proud of him (and a lil envious too).

Good Day.

Holy Cow!

OK. Stop the presses. The boys cleaned up the house last night. Let me repeat that. The boys cleaned up the house last night. They vacuumed, scrubbed the floors, did the windows AND mirrors, and they also took a go at the bathroom. I'm in shock. And I didn't even prode them to do all this. I stayed at Dave's last night so you can imagine I was more then surprised when I walked in the house this morning and everything looked so pretty and shiney.

In other news, so my surprise from Dave isn't a hotel upgrade. Last night we were laying in bed and Dave said that he was going to make our hotel reservations and would I like a hot tub in the room (answer: hell yeah!). I asked him if that was my surprise and he said no. Hmmm... & EEEEE!!! What the hell is my surprise?????

Today is going to be a good day ;-D

Typical Randomness

1) Dave has told me that he has been a naughty boy and that I will be getting a surprise next week. Hmmmm... I'm very intrigued. I'm thinking that it might be flowers sent to my office or it might be a hotel upgrade for our trip to South Lake Tahoe. Yay for surprises ;-D

2) Last night Scott and his band played at a club in the city. Lately, I have been finding lame excuses to not attend their shows cuz Steve and Scott have been such pricks. Last night the boys were getting ready and I was in my room. Scott knocked on my door and asked if I liked his outfit. Let me just say that Scott is normally a lil hottie on his own but last night he was panty-dropping-do-me-in-the-bathroom-hot. Super hot. Yummy hot. Made me want to have sex with him (again) hot. *drool*. Of course I would have told him all of this if he wasn't such a huge dick wad lately. Instead I told him that he looked nice and to please shut my door.

3) So I extended the olive branch and gave Jay a call last night. I wanted to congratulate him on his trip to Japan and to let him know that I thought his marathon was an excellent idea and I kinda wish that I had thought of doing that. So I called and left a message. No call back yet which pisses me off and not in the good way. I'm really tired of him treating me like I am the most horrible ex-gf who has ever lived. Errrr! I just want to scream at him to stop feeling sorry for himself and act like an adult!!!! We haven't talked or anything since Thanksgiving. I thought by now that he would have taken the stick out of his butt and realized that we broke up for mutual reasons and that his "heart break" is not ALL my fault. Errrrr!

4) I ordered all the seasons (that are out) of Sex and The City from Netflix. Mmmmm ... I LOVE me some of that show. That show makes me laugh and think fondly of my sorority days. I'm only on season 1 so far.

Skinny Cow Cheese

Yesterday was a fat day. Today is a skinny day. My stomach has just gotten so flat and firm(ish). I still have some ways to go but damn I feel good today. I even jumped on the scale this morning and found out that I dropped a few more pounds! WOO! What might have helped is that even though I am on cardio ban due to my nasty shin splints, I still went to the gym last night and did some strength training. My legs feel much better so I might even do some light walking on the treadmill tonight. Yay. I heart the gym!

And on to crappy news: Scott came home last night and threw a fit cuz there wasn't room in the fridge. I was in my room organizing some pics but I could hear him out in the kitchen doing his "I am 5 years old and I'm gonna throw a fit" thing. Whatever. So I wake up this morning and I go to make myself an egg beaters, turkey bacon, mushroom, and soy cheese omelet. That's when I find out that Scott has thrown away ALL my cheese to make room for his deli meats! WTF??? I had several types of cheese and they were all still good!! I called him on the phone and I asked why he had thrown out my cheeses and he said that he thought that they were Steve's. Whatever. I don't understand why he couldn't have walked the 5 steps to my room and asked me "are these yours?". I'm over it. I cannot wait to move out. Hopefully it's with Dave.

Fat Days

Today is a fat day. I hate fat days.

Note to self: Next time don't eat until the point of explosion when I cook Dave pork chops, mashed potatoes and green beans. But it was all soooo good!

PS There is no better feeling then being at the gym and all of a sudden feeling someone run up behind me and wrap their big arms around me even when I'm all sweaty and funky. Even better is finding out that the someone is my boyfriend and he just had to run across the gym and hug me.

Jay Post

Ever since I broke up with Jay, I've been told by several close friends and family members that they didn't like Jay. I can understand why my close friends didn't really care for Jay. Actually, I didn't expect them too and I was very surprised that they treated Jay as well as they did. Jay and my friends were just 2 different sorts of people. But I'm really surprised to find out that neither my Dad nor my Mom liked Jay especially since they've been seperated ever since Jay and I started dating so it's not like a joint disapproval. Their dislike of Jay was based on their own individual assesments. And I'm completely confused as to why they didn't like him??? I'm still angry at Jay and his immature behavior and selfishness still annoy me BUT Jay is an incredibly kind hearted and well intentioned person. I'm not into spilling my realtionship problems out on my family so they really had no clue about his quirks. Why didn't they like him AND why didn't they tell me???? Especially, when I moved in with him??? The same for my friends! Tell me if you don't like my bf! Errrr. I'm frustrated by my loved one's lack of honesty. And I'm kinda hurt that they weren't able to love Jay and see through his exterior to the really nice human being inside.

Daydreaming

6 months ago, Dave and I were camping along the NorCal coast for the weekend. I forgot how great of a trip that was and how relaxed I was. Such a wonderful time.

I wish Dave and I were there right now.