The Awful Truth

My work has done a great job of recognizing all the long hours I put in after the October fires. Left and right I've received tons of official and non-official pats on the back from all levels. I'm appreciative of the praise especially since I did work 12-14 hour days for 4 months straight but I must admit I'm not one for the limelight and sometimes like to do the dirty work from the shadows. A month ago my picture went up on the front of my agency's website as an employee profile. I wasn't a fan of the picture but I had no one to blame since several times I was asked by the PR peeps to pick out a picture but refused because I didn't want to be all high maintenance and request a pro looking action shot of me doing my job (which I have several). That's the bad part of me being the "it" girl of the moment (which I realize that this is my 15 min of fame and it wont last much longer). Everyone at work has known me since I was the 20 year old intern who was reliable but often came to work slightly hungover from the frat party the night before. I don't want my coworkers to think I've forgotten my roots or worse yet to think that I did all the work after the fires by myself. I have a wonderful staff of 12 plus a myriad of coworkers from across the state who came down and spent time away from their families to help me out. Anyways, I try really hard to not be the drama queen in the center of all the attention.

Today a very glossy, very professional looking "magazine" type thing came off production that will be sent to several very big wigs in my agency's National HQ. My picture is plastered across the magazine on about 5 different pages (of the 10 pages total). And in every single photo I look fat. Like really fat. Like WOW. I didn't realize I had gotten that big fat. I could blame it on the PR person who did the layout but in all honestly it's not that the photos are unflattering. I think it's that I really look as bad as the pics portray. This magazine should be something that I cherish but instead it's something that I am really not proud of because of the way I look.

I know that its not really about the photos, it's about the story within the magazine but let's not kid ourselves. That's like saying men subscribe to playboy for the articles and not the hot chicks. The big wigs that receive the magazine are all very busy people and wont have much time to actually read the text. They'll flip through it and be greeted with me looking like a lard-o. I've seen my face on other agency promo material and several times been pleased with how I look. This isn't me just being hard on myself because I don't wear the standard SoCal size 2. This is me being hard on myself because once again I've let my weight get out of control and I'm really embarrassed of the way I look.

Note to Self

When you have been deemed by the family to be "old enough" to know your cousin's pseudo name that she uses for modeling and other questionable activities. Do NOT, repeat do NOT google her. You will just be inundated with icky, icky things that you did not want to see your cousin doing. Bad, bad, bad.

PS - I still love my cousin. What I saw has not made me think less of her in the bit. She is a gorgeous girl who has had a lot of pain in her life and yet still surmounted it all to have a successful career.

I REALLY Need to do This!

Reasons why I NEED to stay motivated and lose weight:

1. I feel crappy when I attend Dave's work functions and I am neither cute nor reasonably thin. I feel like a big, fat, unattractive wife.

2. I am interviewing for a 2 year leadership fellowship in July and I want to look and feel my best!

3. Family get together in August. I will feel like a slob if I am not in short wearing condition by then.

4. Dave and I are going to vacation on the Caribbean in September and I want to look decent in a swimsuit.

5. A HUGE promotion may be coming my way in January. I need to represent myself as the young successful woman that I am.

6. I want to look my best for Dave. I feel sexy inside and I should look sexy on the outside.

7. Right now I feel and look frumpy. I have so many cute clothes that don't fit me and there is nothing more frustrating then feeling like I have nothing to wear even though my closet is bursting with new and trendy outfits.

8. I've been fat and I've been reasonably thin. People at work seem to respect me better when I am thin and possess high self confidence.

9. I need to do this for my health. Strokes run on my mother's side of the family. I've seen first hand the devastation that a stroke has on a person. I do not want this to happen to me.

10. I've done this 3 times before and re-gained it all back each time. I am tired of yo-yo'ing. I'm tired of having a complete wardrobe in 3 different sizes. I am tired of fad diets.

Nobody Said it Was Easy, Nobody Said it Would be so Hard

Why didn't anyone tell me it would be this difficult to cook without a stove, oven, kitchen sink, or countertop? When we began the remodel I had all these grand schemes of how I was going to utilize the grill, George Foreman, fondue, and crock pot to make healthy meals each night. What I didn't realize was that the grill and George Foreman get old after the eleventeenth time. The fondue and crockpot require preparation and without a countertop I am forced to cut veggies and meat on my coffee table. (Not too comfortable in case you were wondering.) And to top it all off everything becomes covered in dust during a remodel which forces me to wash everything before and after I use it. There are so many other things I would prefer to do instead of leaning over the bathtub washing dishes twice a night.

So far we haven't resorted to ordering in pizza but we do eat out 3-4 times each week. Much more then our normal once a week. And when I do "cook" at home I usually resort to convenience semi-homemade types of products. Uncle Ben's microwaveable rice and I have become quick friends even though one pouch has over a 1,000 grams of sodium per serving. I try to be low-carb and low-fat but I am ALWAYS low sodium when I cook so this high salt cooking has left me feeling like a salt lick most days.

I've decided to go on a shake fast for the next week or so. This lack of anything healthy to cook has actually made this a really easy decision and I am sure will make it really easy to stick on the fast. I went on a long term fast before my wedding which knocked the weight off me like gang busters. This fast will be much shorter but hopefully gets me on the path towards cute summer shorts and skirts.

Epic

It's 9pm and I am still hungover from drinking too much last night.

Dave and I took a few of his coworkers who were here from out of town out to a super nice restaurant in the Gaslamp. As most legendary nights begin, we had no intention of getting shit face drunk but half way through the appetizer we had already finished two bottles of very expensive wine and were toasting each other for no apparent reason at all. By the time the $100 per plate entrees were served we had decided to make this an all nighter and I had decided to eat as little of my food as possible so that I could continue my buzz. By the end of dinner I was alternating between speaking French and Spanish to two of his coworkers seated next to me. Things get a little hazy from here so who knows what I was actually telling them. Even sober I have to focus very hard to speak fluent Spanish and basic French. When I'm drunk who knows what could have been coming out my mouth. I'm not capable of much at that stage. Knowing me my Spanish probably consisted of "Quiero Taco Bell?" and my French was probably "Voulez vous coucher avec moi ce soir". By the first bar I had spilled my tanquerey and tonic on my lap and it looked like I had peed my pants. Either that or I actually did pee my pants. When I am as wasted as I was last night anything is possible. Walking to a second bar we saw the Jabbawockeez who live in San Diego. We mobbed them and took several photos before stumbling down the street to our intended destination.

I would ask my husband to clarify but he was unfortunately the sober driver and none too pleased with our drunken shenanigans. He especially wasn't pleased when his coworkers begged him to go home and leave me to have fun with them. They even offered to let me stay in their hotel rooms (they were all male) and then send me home in the morning via taxi. Needless to say, soon after hubby decided to take them back to the hotel and me back to our home. After making stumbling sexual advances (I was a mess and must have looked like that scene from SuperBad) Dave tucked me in bed and I promptly passed out. O, what a night.

California is SOOOOO Weird

Growing up in Southern California it seems as if everyone has a family member who works in The Industry (aka Hollywood). Either you know someone who actually works in The Industry (gaffers, PAs, etc) or you know someone who is striving to be in The Industry (usually writers, directors, and actors). Myself being a 4th generation Southern Californian (wrap your head around that one) have several members in The Industry. Two of my cousins are models (although print models since we are all shorties on this side of the family). One of those cousins just got married in Las Vegas. This particular cousin was once one of the many girlfriends of a famous man who founded a famous magazine. (Don't want to type his name in case it gets googled). A few of his current girlfriends were bridesmaids in her Sin City wedding and the whole che bang will probably air on an upcoming episode of the girlfriend's tv show on E!. All in all it was a perfect Hollywood wedding for my cousin and I am really happy that she has finally found love. I'm also really happy that I was able to get the inside scoop on everything going on inside the Mansion and a few things going on outside the Mansion.

Side note: My cousin is much MUCH older then she looks in pictures. In fact just add 10 years to whatever age you are guessing she is and that is probably still under her actual age. Bottom line she looks 10x more faboo then me so regardless of her age she is still a gorgeous bitch. Anyways, during her many years of singledom she has brought many boys to family functions for us to meet and I have had to endure the zany, weird, and altogether disgusting. I am sooooo thankful that she finally found one who seems sweet, nice and is really interesting to talk to over dinner.

Goodbye Kitchen!

Do you ever have those "oh sh*t! moments"? Sunday morning Dave and I were sitting on the couch reading the paper. After 5 days off from work (3 days plus weekend) I was looking forward to my final day off from work relaxing on the couch and catching up on tivo'd shows. So I'm reading the Sunday paper when I look up at our kitchen and realize with sudden clarity that the demo of our kitchen is set to begin on Tuesday and we haven't done anything to prepare. Instead of the relaxing Sunday I was looking forward to, I spent it boxing everything in the cabinets and trying to decide what could be packed for the next 4-6 weeks and what we would absolutely need. I then tried to create a makeshift kitchen in our dining room that would allow us to make dinner every night without the use of an oven, stove, kitchen sink or dishwasher. Dave and I cook at home quite often and we both knew that 30 days of take out would leave us feeling salty and rather unhealthy. We'll see though. Last night we tried to cook using our limited kitchen and it was such a huge inconvenience that we might just give up and not bother with the juggling act that is required to make a meal and subsequent washing of dishes in the courtyard using a bucket and garden hose.

Goodbye Kitchen. Even though you were completely outdated, a huge part of me will miss you especially over these next 6 weeks.



This wall is coming down so that the kitchen opens up to the living room.

Our makeshift kitchen.

Demolition begins.

There are a million ways I could write this update. I could talk about how my birthday was last week and since Dave was out of town on a business trip, my best friend flew down from Portland to spend 4 days with me. Although she graduated from college with a degree in communications she has had trouble finding a job in the rural area of Portland that she lives so we made our 4 days together a practice in frugality. We ate dinner one night using a gift card that I had been given for Christmas. Packed our lunch and ate it while sunning ourselves and reading library books on the beach. Ate dinner on my actual birthday for almost free. We went to several nice restaurants, sat at the bar, and told anyone who talked to us that it was my birthday which resulted in several free drinks and appetizers. By the end of the night we were both drunk and full off good food. And Dave being the wonder husband that he is gave me a gift certificate for a message at a day spa in La Jolla. The part that makes him a wonder husband is that on the gift card he also included enough money for a one-hour massage for my best friend. All in all it was a beautifully sunny, wonderful weekend that resulted in me missing her like crazy when it was time to drive her to the airport. Good friends make me happy.

I could also tell you how I ended up at the San Diego airport 5 times in 6 days. Once to fly to Sacramento for a last minute meeting. Next day to fly back and drive home. Third day to pick up my best friend from the airport. Fifth day to pick up Dave from the airport. And the 6th day to drive my best friend back to the airport so she could fly home.

Lastly I could tell you about the little cafe on the beach we ate at for breakfast two days in a row. The food was incredibly good and also incredibly cheap. By the end of the first day we couldn't stop talking about the poached eggs we had for breakfast earlier and so decided to go back again the next day and spend a leisurely morning sitting in the sun with the beach wind on our face. Unfortunately, we happened to be the two ugliest and fattest people in the whole restaurant which seems to happen quite a lot in San Diego. Somehow, someway San Diego is filled with gorgeous people who are tall, gorgeous, and toned (even if they have 2 or 3 kids). How they achieve this is beyond me since I know I spend countless hours each week at the gym, watch what I eat, and spend hundreds of dollars each month getting my hair cut, eyebrows shaped, body parts waxed, and nails done. I would conservatively estimate that I am better looking than 50% of the population across the Nation and my best friend is better looking then 70% of the Nation. Yet here we were in a little cafe on the beach, looking like the ugly step sisters in the corner after impossibly thin blond after impossibly thin blond walked past our table. It was almost enough to send me on a carb free diet in an attempt to lose weight. Word to the wise, if you're ever in search of a date then don't come to San Diego unless you look like Heidi and Lauren from The Hills.