Broken Hearts and Dreams

About 2 months ago, Dave and I had a serious discussion about kids. We both agreed at this point in time we're very happy with the lifestyle we lead. No sleepless nights, no poopy diapers, no babysitters, no toddlers throwing fits, no drooling babies, NO responsibility. We both agreed that at this point in time none of the above is remotely appealing to either one of us and quite frankly might NEVER be appealing to either of us. I love dreaming up baby names but honestly I love my career and I don't think I'd ever be willing to give up my career to raise a child. Not to mention I'm not looking forward to wrecking havoc on my body with pregnancy, I wouldn't enjoy not having time to read my books or visit the gym, and I most certainly wouldn't enjoy dealing with a toddler and their unreasonable minds. I'm just not the type of girl who has ever gotten the deep desire to become impregnated and birth little spawns. Maybe someday I will?

And it's that 'maybe someday I will' thought that has been invading my mind lately. Maybe someday my eyes will mist at the thought of seeing my belly swell. Maybe someday I'll want to hold a slimy, bloody baby in my arms. Maybe someday I'll blog about my kid and it's bowel movements and be the happiest mom to ever blog. Who knows?

What I do know is that the idea that someday I might want to have a baby and Dave might not has me questioning everything. As I told Dave the other day, I can't imagine myself ever wanting a kid but I also can't imagine myself ever not having kids. Should Dave and I even be talking about marriage if this might be an issue someday? A very BIG issue.

I feel like I'm in between a rock and a hard spot. Do I want Dave? Or do I want a family? I can't imagine my life without Dave. I've been in other long term relationships and I've never found anyone who has made me fall so completely head over heels. Someone who makes me so happy. On the flip side, I can't imagine myself 90 with no kids, no grandkids, no one to take care of me. No one to watch me die. I can't imagine never knowing what it feels like to be nine months pregnant. Not ever knowing what it feels like to give birth. Not ever knowing what it feels like to love something that came from me.

*sigh* What to do? What to do? I'm turning off comments for this post because I really don't feel like hearing everyone tell me that I'm going to want to become a mom someday cuz maybe I wont. And I don't want to hear everyone tell me that Dave and I need to decide on kids before we get married cuz we have tried to decide and we can't. We can't foresee the future and we can't plan for a future that either one of us is not sure we even want. We'll have to cross that bridge when we get there and I must admit that this situation makes me not as excited to get married or get anywhere near that bridge. For now, I'm feeling sad that this is something I feel so confused about and that this will be an issue in the future. Honesty, I'm also a little bit bitter that Dave isn't super excited to see our babies pop out of me someday. Most of my friends have had to beat their boyfriends/husbands off with sticks cuz their husbands are so excited to start baby-making and my friends are the ones that needed just a bit more time before they were ready. Why isn't Dave as excited as them??? Is it me? *sigh*

Pictures

Us at the Foundation Gala.

Melissa Etheridge sang! WOOO!!!

Last weekend, I took Dave to my college-town for the 1st time ever. We watched a football game, ate dinner with my Dad, and had lunch the next day with my Mom. I had a fun time showing Dave around Fresno and Dave had a fun time seeing my old college stomping grounds. I miss Fresno sometimes ;-/

When we first arrived in town I was super excited to show Dave my dream home. This house is a 4,000 sq foot model home with this really cool courtyard in the center. Every room in the house has a window view of the courtyard. I love this house!!! When I first saw the house it was selling for $250,000 (in my opinion, a decent price for a 5 bedroom unique house). Now, 3 years later the house is selling for over $1.2 million! Holy Cow!!!

Someday ...

Paloma Blanca #3605

FrankenFoot & Me

Yesterday, I finally convinced my wonderful boyfriend to hop alongside me and see the doctor. The foot has swelled up even more and now sports this weird purple/pink color all over it. The FrankenFoot resembles a sausage cuz his lower leg, ankle, and foot all have the same swollen roundness to them. At the end of the sausage foot is 5 little toes sticking out. Quite comical. Believe me, I've taken photos. Hehe ;-) So anyways, we went to the doctor, they took x-rays, found no broken bones but will get back to us today about the possibility of torn ligaments. Ehh... At least there isn't any broken bones.

In other news, I've been super good about not blabbering about weddings to Dave. We did talk about it some last night as he hopped and I walked through Best Buy (I wanted to buy the new Death Cab and Cold Play CDs). But the only reason we talked about it was because he brought it up! And even then it was mostly just him teazing me about how my ring is the same price as a big screen TV. Shhhhh! Don't tell him but I'm buying him a big screen for x-mas ;-)

Medic!

My wonderful boyfriend sprained his ankle last night playing on his men's baseball team. He was sliding into 2nd with the base crowded by the 2nd baseman, short stop, and pitcher (why all of them decided to play the base is beyond me). Dave slid and suddenly there was a mass of arms, legs, and a ball flying through the air. Words can't describe the horror I felt when I saw him get hurt. For a few excrutiating minutes, I had no idea if his ribs had been stepped on or if his neck had been broken or if he was knocked out cold (worse case going through my head). As it turns out, he'd just made a bad slide and bent his ankle in completely the wrong direction. He's recovering at home today by elevating his leg and playing SoCom III. My poor baby ;-(

Melissa Etheridge & My Weekend

Dave and I went to the mall on Saturday and while we were there I decided to show him my beloved Pretty Baby. *sigh* I LOVE that ring so much. It just looks so perfect on my finger. Dave seemed to love the ring too but I know he had his heart set on surprising me with a ring he created himself so I'm not sure what he'll go with when the time comes. I also know that Dave hates shopping and I don't think that he realizes how much shopping around is required when buying diamonds so I have a feeling that he'll go with the ring I love because it'll be easier on him and because he knows I'll be happy with it. EEEEE!!!

Now that I've shown the ring to Dave and verbally expressed to him how much I want to get married someday, I've decided that I'm no longer allowed to broach any wedding related talks with him. I'm excited about the possibility of getting engaged (much like I'm excited about going on vacation) and I know me. When I get excited about something I tend to want to talk about that something. A lot. All the time. Can't stop me if you tried. I don't want Dave to confuse my excited chatter as pressure because I'm honestly not trying to pressure him. I'm just excited. Really excited. The balls in his court now. He knows what I want and I know that someday he'll do his best to give me everything that I want.

This weekend Dave and I went to another black-tie charity event. We had a lot of fun (I'll have pictures uploaded later this week). We went last year and I felt it was more fun since we had better dinner seats and the cocktail hour was less crowded. This year over 1,400 people attended which meant the lines for alcohol were super long and it was almost impossible to find all of our friends in the clutter of wait staff, hour derves, and people. The highlight of the night came during the entertainment when we were treated to a performance by Bruce Hornsby and Melissa Etheridge. In year's past we've seen Tina Turner, Cirque du Soleil acts, and casts from Broadway musicals but nothing has been as exciting as hearing Melissa Etheridge sing. Bruce Hornsby was awesome too and he played for at least an hour and a half.

Unscripted

How I Planned for Yesterday To Go:
Noon - Eat a reasonable "healthy" meal even though I knew that I would be tempted by the Mexican food my fellow coworkers would be eating.
1pm - Drive home from meeting.
4pm - Hit they gym for an exhilirating workout.
6pm - See Dave! YAY!
7pm - Eat sushi at my favorite sushi restaurant.
8pm - Get some coffee (him) and green tea (me) at our favorite coffee house.
9pm - Sex!

What Really Happened Yesterday:
Noon - Saw all the glorious mexican food and against my better judgement ate all the chips, salsa, tortillas, rice, and flan that I could get my chubby little hands on.
2pm - Drove home from meeting.
4pm - Tired from drive. Decide that since I gorged myself at lunch that it would be worthless to even attempt the gym. Gym skipped.
6pm - Saw Dave! YAY!
6:30pm - Dave falls asleep on the couch.
7pm - Realize that Dave is knocked out and that we wont be going to dinner ;-(
8pm - I get hungry but realize that there is nothing to eat in the kitchen. I grab some chocolate chip cookies and make a grilled cheese sandwich. Not so healthy but quite yummy.
10pm - I wake Dave up, drag him to bed, then fall asleep.

PS I'm feeling very wistful today about getting engaged. I REALLY want it to happen soon!!! *sigh* I might show the ring to Dave this weekend when we go to the mall to pick up his vest and tie. (Dave already owns his own tux but I make him rent a vest and tie each event because I want it to match my dress. I have yet to wear a dress color other than black but I swear that one day I'm gonna wear that funky colored dress!!!)

SHHHH!!!!

I'm out of town this week at a business meeting. I went to the local bookstore to pick up a travel guide book for Los Cabos and while I was there I decided to pick up 2 wedding magazines for fun. I feel so naughty. Part of me feels like I'm still the lil girl who is dreaming about her big day and the other part of me feels like the mid-20s woman who has a career, a nice apartment, and a live-in boyfriend who is 30. Holy cow!!! I might actually be getting engaged in the next few months! Me! Getting married!!! EEEEEE!!!!!!

EEEEEEEEE!!!!!

YAY!!! In March 2006, Dave and I will be spending 7 wonderful days and 6 wonderful nights at the all-inclusive Presidente Los Cabos Resort in San Jose Del Cabo. I met with the travel agent earlier today and put down our deposit. I can't believe that we're really going!!! I'm so excited! Now I just need to lose a few pounds in the next 5 months. Oye Vey.

I'm All About the TMI

I was talking to my best friend Britney on the phone.

Me: Dave and I had sex last night and I had the most intense orgasm.

B: Really?

Me: Yeah. The orgasm was amazing AND it felt like it lasted forever. I've never experienced an orgasm like that before. *sigh*

B: Was it a g-spot orgasm or just a regular orgasm?

Me: Gosh. I don't know. I've never has a g-spot orgasm. Maybe that was why it felt so intense.

B: What did it feel like?

Me: It felt incredible but oddly enough it felt like I was going to pee. And oddly enough, I really didn't care if I did pee. Life is a constant game of give and take, and I was okay if in exchange for this mind-blowing orgasm, I peed on David (even though I'm not sure he would have agreed).

B: Everyone deserves an orgasm like that at least once in their life.

Me: Amen.

Dear Pretty Baby,

Hi Pretty Baby. I fell in love with you today while at the mall. You're the 1st ring that has made me instantly and completely enamored. I didn't even want to try on the other rings that the nice sales lady was trying to show me. I just wanted to wear you and look at you and how perfect you looked on my hand. Amazingly, you didn't make my fingers look boney like every other ring. You didn't make me scrutinize my nails and their lack of length. You didn't even make me worry that eveyone will notice that little bit of knuckle hair that I hate. All I was able to do was look at you and dream of the future I want with you. What I love about you Pretty Baby (and yes I named you as soon as I tried you on) is that you're classic yet unique with those askew side diamonds. Pretty Baby, I want to take this slow and wait a few weeks before I show you to your future adoptive daddy, but I'm not sure that I'll be able to because my love for you is so intense. You make me get a little fluttery feeling in my tummy that I've never gotten with any other ring. I love you Pretty Baby and I hope someday we'll spend forever with each other.

XOXO,
CORI

Imelda the Horrible SUCKS (and she has shoulders like a linebacker)

I'm in such a blah mood today. I have so much work to do and I don't want to do any of it. I want to be at home watching some sappy love story with a bottle of wine. Blah.

I feel much better after talking with Dave about the TMI dilemma but it's still eating away at me. Part of me wants to badger the subject to death (as women often love to do) but the other part of me knows that I just need to accept his apology, hope he never does it again, and laugh about the whole thing. Blah.

I want to have a nice girly weekend with my sorority sisters. I don't know if it was Way Back Wednesday's theme or if I just need some good girly fun but lately, I'm missing those girls like something fierce. Blah.

I want to find a jeweler and design my ring but I have this fear that I'm moving too fast cuz it's not like Dave and I have set a timeline. Part of me doesn't want a timeline cuz this is supposed to be something fun but the other part of me needs a timeline so I don't feel like I'm doing something wrong and planning when he isn’t expecting me to plan. Blah.

Not helping my whole blah mood is that we played Imelda the Horrible's team in softball last night and we LOST. Horribly. We've played them several times before and have beaten them easily but I'm not sure what happened this time. They got lucky? We didn't play up to par? We got cocky? They became a better team? Not sure. All I know is that they beat us 5-1, made few errors, and hit some awesome balls while we made tons of errors in the infield and hit every ball directly into their mitts. It really didn't help that Imelda was one chatty lil b*tch who didn't keep her mouth shut. Words can't even help me explain what she was doing to make me so angry through out the game. Just believe me when I say that she was a big ol' b*tch and that I hate her more then ever now. Stupid b*tch.

Way Back Wednesday!!!

AHHHH!!! Sorority life!!! Some of my favorite memories EVER are comprised of my experiences in a sorority. I don't think people understand the hard work, dedication, and team spirit that is required to be a succesful, happy sorority sister. Unfortunately, most of the pics I have of me being drunk with my sorority sisters are in my photo album and our scanner is not set up yet. I may have to bug Dave to get it set up asap cuz I have some GREAT pictures! Hehe ;-D I also have a picture of Dave smothered with red paint running through his fraternity house while in college that I would love to share with you all. HAHA!

This picture was taken at an official sorority event that we held each year to welcome the incoming pledges. We'd all get dressed up in the hokiest outfits we could find then go bowling for a fun sober evening (no alcohol at official sorority functions!). Afterwards we'd all go to the fraternity houses and drink with the boys. LtoR: Gina, Me, Jayme, Britney & Marci.

This picture was taken on a trip a few of us girls took to Vancouver BC celebrate Britney's 19th bday and partake in fun legal Canadian activities. LtoR: Jayme, Marci, Gina, Me & Britney. As you can tell, I was very close with the same 4 girls in my sorority. I loved most of the other girls and hung out with them too but I didn't have the same connection. Jayme is getting married next June. She's a kept woman. Marci lives in San Diego and works for a airline. Gina is a winemaker in Napa during the fall and New Zealand during the Spring. And Britney is still in school for the next year or more. She's a lil slower then the rest of us ;-p

Things That Make Me Happy (TMI Update)

Thanks to April who informed me of www.antiquejewelrymall.com. I've found so many cute rings that are UNIQUE and pretty and honestly I've never been into the 'antique' look but these rings I love. I might just explode from all the giddiness I get from looking at rings I actually like. The only bad thing is that I am hesitant to buy a ring on-line before physically trying it on. My hands are so small and sometimes rings that look great in print look horrible on my hands.

Dave and I were talking about the whole ring situation since I'm having such a hard time finding anything that I like. He's still dead set against coming to the jeweler with me since he really wants the ring he chooses to be a surprise to me when he proposes. At the same time he realizes that the ring needs to be something that I like since I'll be wearing it on my hand for the rest of my life. His creative solution is to have me go to a local boutique jeweler and talk with someone who will help me discover what I really like and don't like (aka give me more assistance then the sales lady at Zales). Then Dave wants to go to the same jeweler, find out my preferences, and design a custom ring. I really like this idea and it'll probably be what we end up doing. Now, our only problem is finding a reputable local jeweler who will give me the time and assistance that we will need. There are so many jewelers in the Bay Area and I'm not sure how to find the best one.

In other news that makes me happy, I talked with Dave about yesterday's TMI dilemma. I decided to talk to him since it was continuing to bother me and I didn't want this to escalate into a bigger situation later down the road. I have a good friend named BJ whose live-in bf has a bad habit of looking at naughty things even though BJ has had many arguments with him about how she disapproves of ALL naughty things. After each argument, BJ demands that all naughty things cease and desist, the bf agrees, then a couple weeks pass and BJ finds naughty magazines under their bed, naughty DVDs under their couch, or naughty urls in the history of their computer. For the last year, BJ and her bf have been having the same argument repeatedly and BJ isn't sure what to do since in every other aspect the bf is perfect. Ahhh! Isn't life fun!

So last night, Dave and I were laying in bed and my head was on his chest. I very gently told him that I had seen what he was doing after I got out of the shower and that I wasn't mad about what he was doing but my feelings were VERY hurt that he chose what was on the computer screen over me. He reassured me that he loves me very much and that he was sorry that my feelings were hurt. The conversation wasn't long but I felt like I made my point and I felt like Dave understood why I was upset.

Last night while Dave was playing a baseball game, I looked at his computer history even though I know it was a total breach of his privacy and I'm a bit ashamed of myself. But it was killing me to not know what Dave was looking at on the computer. Was it something seriously kinky that he's afraid to try with me? Was it 500 pound women? 500 pound men? I felt like I needed to know to put my mind to rest. Luckily, it ended up being some pretty generic naughty stuff like woman on woman, women with big basketball chests, and bjs galore. Nothing that worried me and honestly I kinda liked some of what I saw ;-)

TMI. I Warned You!

My good friend Tammy wanted me to update my blog but unfortunately I have a bit of a TMI situation that is weighing on my thoughts. I really don't feel like blogging about another subject or about my relatively relaxing weekend. I don't feel like pretending the TMI situation doesn't exist because it does and I keep thinking about it EVERY 5 minutes. I feel like being brutally honest about it because I'm not sure whether I should be angry, sad, or embarrassed and I feel like blogging will help me deal with what I am feeling.

So here we go: I came home last night after working out at the gym. I sat down for a few minutes, talked with Dave and then jumped in the shower. 15 minutes later my shower was done and I was hot from all the steam so instead of getting dressed in my pjs or brushing my wet hair (like I usually do immediately after a shower), I decided to walk into the living room in my towel and watch TV with Dave while I cooled off. So I walk out of the bathroom and notice that the TV is silent which is weird cuz Dave was watching the SF Giants baseball game. I walk into the living room and I'm quiet cuz there wasn't a reason to be loud and my bare feet weren't making much of a noise on the carpet. I walk up behind Dave and notice that he's looking at his laptop and his arm is doing something weird. Then all of a sudden I realize that Dave is looking at something naughty on the computer and doing that naughty thing that men do when they're looking at naughty things on the computer! And I don't know how to react cuz I didn't expect to catch Dave in the predicament that I caught him in so I slowly backed out of the room and tip toed back down the hall and tried my best to evaluate the situation.

Unlike most women, I'm OK with the idea of Dave looking at naughty things whether it be on the internet, in a magazine, or on a DVD. I'll even admit that I think the naughty things are pretty darn arrousing. And unlike most women, I'm OK with Dave doing that naughty thing that men do even though I've never seen him do that thing until yesterday. What I'm NOT OK with is that Dave was doing that naughty thing that he was doing when I was just down the hall. Naked. Wet. In the Shower! If he was feeling arroused then why didn't he just hop in the shower with me? Why didn't he just WAIT the f'ng 10 minutes for me to be out of the shower and then have his way with me? Why was the naughty thing that he was looking at on the computer better then being with ME??? Errrr!

(Note - Unfortunately, I didn't see what naughty thing on the computer Dave was looking at. I was too surprised to get a good glance and Dave's back was blocking most of the screen.)

So here's where I need advice (and please give me advice cuz I feel totaly alone and confused). How would YOU have reacted in this situation? I never said anything to Dave about it but I'm sure he could tell that something was bothering me cuz I was a bit moody all evening. Would you have said something to your significant other? What would you say? If it's still bothering me should I bring it up tonight and talk to him about it? Should I just ignore the situation?

I Will Follow You Into the Dark

You and me have seen everything to see
From Bangkok to Calgary
And the soles of your shoes are all worn down
The time for sleep is now
It's nothing to cry about
Cause we'll hold each other soon
The blackest of rooms

If heaven and hell decide
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the no's on their vacancy signs

If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark

I am LOVING the new Death Cab for Cutie CD. Check it out. I think it's awesome but then again I always love me some whiney-boy-with-guitars-indie-rock.

I'm also loving Rhapsody. They have every song or album that you could want to listen to and it's pretty cheap. It's nice to be able to hear the entire album several times before buying it. I thought I would love the new White Stripes CD (everyone was raving about it) but I listened to it on Rhapsody and thought it was decent but not something I would really want to spend my money on. Best of all is that you only need one membership and then you can load it on several computers. Dave pays for the membership and uses it on his computer and I use it on my computer too. I can see his playlists and he can see mine but they're separate and unique.

25 vs. 30

Dave: Ahhhh. That nap I took on Sunday afternoon was so great.

Me: Really? It looked kinda uncomfortable. You were sleeping sideways across the bed and the blanket wasn't covering you all the way.

D: Yeah. That's what I liked so much about the nap. I was sleeping sideways and it felt kinda ... naughty.

Me: I find it enjoyable to feel naughty during sex. You find it enjoyable to feel naughty while sleeping. SLEEPING! There's something wrong with that.

D: What a person finds enjoyable at 25 is different then what a person finds enjoyable at 30.

Me: I wish I had known you when you were 25.

I Used To Be So Hot! *sigh*

Joining in with Rosalie and Jen's fun. Here I am way back when I used to be HOT!


Can you see the flat stomach and thin little arms???


Summer 2004: When I Had to Beat The Boys Back With Sticks Cuz I Was So Hot.

1 year later
1 excellent boyfriend who treats me like a princess
20 pounds gained

*sigh*

PS - Most of my pictures from Summer 2004 are drunk, party pics. Good times.

I Thought This Was Supposed to be Fun and EASY

I did some minor ring shopping this weekend since I had some shopping to do at the mall and the rings were calling my name. I really expected to find a ring I loved immediately but unfortunately because I have such small fingers (size 5) I've found it harder then I ever imagined to even find a ring that looks good on me. So far all the rings I've seen have fallen into three categories:
1) Rings I don't like or are just gawd awful ugly.
2) Rings that I LOVE but look horrible on my hand cuz my fingers are too small or the diamonds are too big. All the pave rings have fallen into this category so far.
3) Rings that I love AND look good on my hand BUT look just like engagement rings that my friends have recieved. Stupid friends.

The Presidio

For a couple days last week, I attended a conference at The Presidio in San Francisco. The city traffic was a BITCH (they're retrofitting a bridge for earthquakes) but well worth it to get to see The Presidio. The Presidio is an old military base located at the base of the Golden Gate Bridge (click here to learn the full history). Gorgeous views, magnificent buildings, and lots of history. My meeting was held in The Officer's Club and I couldn't help but fantasize about what it would look like to hold a wedding there. So pretty. If you ever get the chance to visit SF, make sure you check out The Presidio.